Choosing Me

My heart was racing. Anxiety was building.  Was I really going to do this?  Really?  But what if I can’t?  I know it is going to be really hard.

The fear was creeping into my brain, threatening to change my mind, to hold me back from doing something I had agreed to do.

How often in my life have I let my fear rule my choices? Far too many times. 

“may your CHOICES reflect your hopes, not your fears” –Nelson Mandela

This quote that I read last week in my new Fitness journal came back to me in the moments leading up to my hitting the “confirm” button. Was I going to let the fear stop me, or was I going to choose to follow my hope, the faith in my ability and the faith my husband had in me? 

Another quote I read recently stuck out in my mind:

Fear-Quotes-30.jpg

As I clicked on the confirm button, my excitement grew…..I am going to do this. I have made my choice.  I am going to let fear mean that I am facing everything and rising!  I am going to do this despite my fear of failure, fear of disappointment, and deep down my fear of succeeding, of being proud of me. 

I did it. I registered for my first half marathon.

I made my choice and I have chosen me.

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Glowing

This week in meetings I am talking to my members about glowing…..Weight Watchers Glowments, those moments when you do something you are so proud of that you cannot help but glow. I love this!  And though I lead meetings now, I am still a member, continuing to learn and grow on this journey. 

This week has been another one of those moments when I go….ahhhh….YES….THAT is what I need to hear and do.

Taking care of me…..putting me first…….something that is hard to do in the best of times and even harder in the midst of chaos, heartbreak and fear.

The past couple of months have been difficult and the past few weeks found me falling back on old habits to comfort me….I even had a Peanut Butter day….just one day. What I learned is that the old habits don’t get rid of the fear or the pain.  Peanut butter does not heal what is hurting my heart and soul, instead it gives me heartburn.

I am finding my footing, finally, this week. I am beginning to find a way to take care of me, and find some happy moments, all while my heart cries.  I am finding that the new habits I formed while losing my weight and the lifestyle I have developed is now more comforting to me than the old ways. 

And this week I am finding some moments…those glowments that I encourage my members to find…the positives when negatives are all that can be seen and felt. And I am proud of me!

Slowly I am getting back to my life….. taking back my life. And that starts by taking care of me…..eating healthy, exercising (yes, I need to get to my training for that half-marathon) and doing things that I enjoy doing. 

A movie last weekend, a book to read, and dancing in the living room…all ways I have started to be kind to myself.

And Last night, an evening with my husband at the Bruce Munro Sonoran Light Exhibit was just that moment or glowment. The lights glowed, changing colors, drawing me in.  And I was glowing!

Taking care of me does not take away the pain and fear, but it does help me to grow and glow!

I Can Do All Things…..

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil 4:13

My favorite bible verse.

I have this verse, etched into a stone, sitting on my kitchen counter, a daily reminder that I CAN do anything with Christ beside me.

A reminder I find myself needing quite often lately.

The first time I read this verse and found that it really struck a chord in me was the summer of 1982. I had gone with two very close friends to a Christian camp for a week. That week, there in the mountains of Washington State, was a week of discovery and a week in which my faith and my relationship with God were solidified.  I had a wonderful, caring counselor and made new friends, ones who helped me find an even stronger relationship with God.

That week culminated in my baptism. I had been christened as a very young child, after my adoption and was told that baptism wasn’t necessary after that.  Yet, I made a choice to be baptized, there at the camp, by my counselor.  To me this was my way of letting go of all of the pain of the past, of forgiving and renewing my commitment to walk in faith with Christ.  It was an amazing, uplifting, life-confirming event for me.

From that week, through to my current situation, that verse carried me through the dark times and the wonderful times.

And now, I find myself repeating this verse daily as I tell myself to just breathe.

I am not alone.

I have Christ beside me, though at times I think He carries me.

And God made sure that I had my husband beside me. I have no doubt that God brought my husband and I together to help each other through the craziness that life brings—the upside down, cyclonic tornado that comes ripping through our lives.  I know that with my husband to hold on to, the winds of life will not carry me away, even when I am so weary that I feel I can no longer hold on.  God made sure of that!

And right now, in the midst of this current cyclonic tornado, the only way I can describe how I am feeling in this moment, I find this verse a source of comfort.

“I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

Yet, I am tired….exhausted from trying to find the good and trying to be strong. I am tired of learning, again, just how strong I can be.

As I tell myself to just breathe, I find myself dreaming of a life that is ordinary, boring and mundane……….