I spent some time last week talking with members about cleaning up the clutter, in our physical space and in our mental space.
Clutter is stressful. Clutter makes it difficult for us to live a healthy life. Clutter makes it difficult to take care of ourselves. And clutter in our physical world can reflect the chaos and clutter in our head.
The past couple of weeks I have been clearing out clutter, cleaning out and rearranging the physical spaces in my house.
And with each closet, drawer or room, I have also been clearing out my head.
When you love an addict, your head becomes quite cluttered. And when you live with an addict the physical and mental clutter collides with the chaos of their cluttered, chaotic life.
Today I have been cleaning…..and as I scrubbed my cabinets I realized I was scrubbing……or rather trying to scrub away the visuals in my mind…….the images that threaten to suck me into the spinning funnel cloud that hovers above my life, always there ready to touch down and rip apart all that I love.
That is how it feels to live with and love an addict.
And I HATE what this has done to my child. The child I carried inside me. The child I dreamed about and loved before he was born. The child I read to at night. The child I cried with when he was hurting. The child I laughed with while watching a beloved show. The child I watched become a man. The child that is a part of me, who had so much to offer this world. My child, who is funny, kind, impulsive, daring, creative and opinionated.
Addiction has robbed me of my son. And has robbed my son of the life he should have had. He is lost inside the spinning tornado. And I have no idea when or where this tornado will drop him.
Every day is filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. And every day is filled with prayer.
I love my son. And I want him back—whole, healthy and full of life. This is not my son right now.
So, today, as I scrub cabinets, floors and walls….as I sort through the physical clutter, I am also sorting through the emotional clutter created by a life I never wanted to live in……a life I never imagined I would HAVE to live in. And through de-cluttering I am trying to get back control….control of my life, my emotions, my home.
I am trying to find my way and navigate through this funnel cloud so that when the tornado touches down again….and it will…..I am ready and more prepared. Making it so that I can recover more quickly and so that I can help my family through the debris.
As I clean and de-clutter today, I am just going to breathe……and trust that God will help me.