Mindful

I have always been a “live in the moment” kind of person. I love to notice the world around me, to delight in the flowers, the scenery, the birds, the people….really everything. It doesn’t take a lot to bring a smile to my face or to make me happy….little things bring me great joy. And I have often been called “just a big kid” by my family and friends…..life is to be lived, enjoyed, experienced. Yet, there are times that being present is difficult. Times when I lose sight of the little things that delight me and I stop noticing the world around me……..And then I am reminded of just how important being mindful in life is.

In Weight Watchers meetings this past week we talked about being mindful. And yes, it got me thinking and evaluating how much time I have spent being mindful lately…..being present in the “now” instead of mired in the past or distracted by the worries of the future or the many “to do’s” on my ever growing list or distracted by the many electronics and instant access tools in my life.

Last weekend as I prepped my meetings for the week I asked myself the questions I was preparing to ask my members…..what does Mindful mean? How am I mindful? When is it difficult to be mindful? What keeps me from being mindful?

I discovered that I need to spend more time in the present….paying attention to and noticing the world around me….now…..not next week, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Here. Now. Present in mind and body.

I found that the events of this past year and the emotional rollercoaster have taken away some of my mindfulness, as I am filled with worry. I find myself on autopilot more often than not. It is hard to appreciate and notice those things that bring us joy when we are filled with dread and worry……and I realized I needed to be more mindful….intentionally mindful.

Why?

Being mindful means I am aware….whether it is my food choices, the amounts I eat or the activity I do or whether it is being fully present in the now……awareness keeps me in the “now”. Present.

Being mindful means finding joy in the moment…..even in the midst of the storm…..there is always something good, something enjoyable to find.

Being mindful means that I am not lost in the past or consumed by what is to come…..I am present, now. And that makes me happy. Being present and noticing the world around me keeps the worry of what is to come from robbing me of my joy now.

I decided last weekend, as I prepared my meeting and answered those questions that I would start that day, to be more mindful…..and that I would need to be intentional about it…..make myself do it.

And I started that day……

A friend of mine inspires me with her intentional mindfulness…….something she started a few years ago…..taking an Instagram every day as a way to notice the world around her. I love her idea! And I love her Instagram’s. It is with her inspiration in mind that I started to take one Instagram photo each day, making me pay more attention to the world around me. In doing this, I have found that I am not just noticing the things I am taking pictures of. I am also noticing– the variety of shapes in the monsoon clouds, the quail scurrying across the road, the lizard resting in the sun, the spider web on the bushes that glistens after the rain, and I am paying attention to the people around me as I go about my day, even talking to many of them…….all things that make me smile.

I have also started my mornings differently, in order to bring my mindfulness to getting in touch with me, centering myself before the day starts. Instead of starting my day with the news and the internet, I have begun to start my day in my favorite chair, in my favorite room in our house. And I read…..my devotionals, my bible……and I pray. Starting my day with intention and mindfulness, being in touch with “me” has given me a sense of calm and brings me to the now, the moment, and makes it all so clear. A much better start to my day, even if it means rising a little earlier to have this time to myself.

Being mindful is a way to take a step back from the craziness of my fast paced life and get back in touch with the things that make me smile, bring me joy and bring a calm to my day.

Being mindful is another way to just breathe……

 

 

 

 

 

 

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When hope is taken away, what is left?

My husband wrote in his letter to the court on behalf of our son, that “an endless supply of hope is what every parent of an addict needs”. And he is right.

Hope got us through some of the darkest days. And along with the hope, our faith kept us going. Even when we had no idea where our son was or when we would……if we would….ever hear from or see him again.   Yet, we continued to hope…..and pray……and hold on.

My son is still facing the probation violation charges in Yavapai county that I previously wrote about and is facing charges here in our county, and despite all of that we have held on to hope.

My son continues to move forward in his treatment, making forward progress every day. Is it perfect? Is he perfect? No. But that is the nature of the addiction beast.

Hope keeps him going. The hope for a future without drugs….the hope for happiness…..the hope for a light at the end of this long judicial tunnel……the hope that he will be healthy……..

Hope gives him a reason to keep trying, to keep working on his recovery.

And then this week we hit a roadblock and hope was pulled out from under him…..and us.

Imagine, if you will, that you received a speeding ticket and were dealt your punishment. But after the punishment was decided…..well, the court goes back in time and discovers that you were pulled over two other times, but never punished….so now they are going to bring you back to court and punish you for those two previous speeding tickets.

That is what my son is facing now, only his crimes are victimless……well, not really if you take into account that he is the victim of his addictions.   He was arrested in March of this year and was sentenced in April for that arrest. And then the day after his sentencing, the same county and the same prosecutor’s office filed new charges stemming from an arrest 3 weeks prior to his March arrest……for the exact same charges, related to being an addict. We have been to court for this newest charge three times now, each time resulting in a continuance, twice by the prosecution and this week by my son’s attorney. The prosecutor continued the case, because they wanted to decide whether or not to file more charges.

And this week, when we went to court, my son’s lawyer informed us that they had filed charges for an arrest he had in April 2016……..more than a year ago.

And the plea deal from the prosecutor’s office was awful……….

Now, we go to court again, in a three weeks and my son now faces 4 more felony charges stemming from 2 arrests that occurred before the arrest that resulted in his current sentence…….

I have struggled the past few days with how to put into words what I am feeling. This hit me hard. And it hit my son hard.

I finally had my son back. He is alive and trying to get himself whole and healthy. He is going to treatment, he is participating and talking with us. He is present. I had my son back.

But I have now watched these past two days as he slips into depression and I am scared. The hope he had for his future, the plans and the dreams that he finally started allowing back into his mind…..well where is that hope now? When hope is yanked right out from under you, what is left?

My son has lost everything because of his addictions. And just when he thought he had a chance at a real life without drugs, this happens…….so why try? Why continue? What’s the point when the punishment being offered is worse than the punishment he is already serving?  A punishment, by the way, given him by a judge who knew about the other arrests and took them into account when deciding my son’s sentence.

I am at a loss. How can an addict, any addict, get clean and have a real life when the system is set up for punishment, not rehabilitation? Shouldn’t the goal be to get addicts clean and help them to become healthy, functioning members of society? Shouldn’t we all, as a society be trying to help these addicts, especially those participating in their own treatment? When is it enough punishment……..when we take away all hope? Addicts lose everything and then the system takes the last bit they can hold onto, their hope.  And this loss of hope leads to the cycle of drug use—arrest—incarceration—drug use–arrest–incarceration……..

I am angry and frustrated. I am scared. I don’t understand and am trying to, but this defies all reasoning. My son is sick and more punishment is NOT going to make him better.

He needs to continue treatment.

He needs help.

He needs hope.

I am disillusioned and losing hope. And when hope is gone, what is left?

For me, what is left is my family—my husband who is my rock through everything, our boys who are my purpose and gifts from God, and extended family who are all a source of comfort and strength– and my friends.

And what I am left with is my faith. I know that God is right here with all of us. I know He will not leave me to drown in this storm. I know that He will make sure that I and my son and our family will be provided what we need to weather the storm hitting us. My faith keeps me going and will keep me going…..and one day I will find hope again.

I am trusting God and taking the leap……..

SOLD!

My husband was in the Air Force for 30 years and we moved a lot. For most of his Air Force career we lived in the housing on whatever base we were stationed at……. all over the US and in Turkey and England. I loved living in base housing, in the community where others were going through the same things we went through. Each house became our home, where we laughed, loved and created memories. It was never about the building, it was about the love and the memories. But we knew they were all temporary homes.

We only lived in off-base housing, twice in his career. The first time was when we were in Alabama for my husband to go to school. We rented a house then and loved the house and quickly made it a home.

After Alabama my husband was sent to the Pentagon and base housing was not going to be an option for us. We were okay with that. We made the decision to buy a house, a decision that was hard for me because I knew that the house we bought would become our home, I would get attached and I had never desired to buy a house until it was THE ONE, the last house we would live in. So, I went to Virginia, alone, to find us a house.

I looked at a lot of houses and then I found the one that I could picture us living in and in a neighborhood that looked wonderful.

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We bought that house.  Brand new.  Never lived in.  Ours.

A house is just a house, until you fill it with family, friends, love, memories and the sweat and tears that go into making a house a home. And we did just that.

our house

It was our home. Filled with lots of memories of holidays, birthdays, fun, and even sad times. We painted every room in the house and all of the halls…..colors that reflected us, no more white walls. And my husband and youngest son worked hard building the fence that would make our backyard an oasis for our dog. And they built a beautiful deck for us to relax on while watching the corn in the field behind us grow. We landscaped and planted the flowers, trees and bushes we wanted. We had friends and family visit us. And we all worked hard finishing our unfinished basement, creating a space where more fun family memories were made—playing pool and playing Wii games.

We had only planned to live here 2 years, the norm for us. But that two years became three, then four and before we knew it we lived in our home for 6 years…..the LONGEST home either my husband or I  had ever lived in. Our youngest son completed all of his high school years in that home. We had teenagers in and out of the house, became close with our neighbors and built a life in that community. This home was the last one our dog would live in.

We were putting down deep roots.

The memories created are strong in that home, filled with love.

Then the day came when the Air Force moved us and the thought of leaving my home, my friends, my community really hurt. I was attached to this place and I wanted to stay. But the Air Force had other plans.

At the time, we could not sell the house, the market had dropped drastically. So we rented it out, in the hopes that we would return after two years and move back into our home. But the Air Force had other plans for us……we never did move back to our beautiful home.

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Now here I am, 8 years after leaving the house we made a home. Others have been living in the house since we left, renting from us. 3 years ago, we went back to Virginia to make repairs to our house to get it ready for the next tenant and it was then, in the midst of the damage caused by our first tenant that I realized this house was no longer our home. We weren’t living there, creating memories anymore and what we had created was no longer there…..it was now just a house.

The only reminder of the family who made this house a home was the growth marks still visible on the laundry room wall.

We made the decision to put the house in Virginia up for sale when the lease ended. I was ready. My husband was ready. Being landlords was not a job we enjoyed or envisioned we would ever find ourselves doing. So, when we started the process, I was surprised by the emotions I found welling up in me…….this had been our home……the memories made there flooded back…….I was sad about selling our home. But it wasn’t ours anymore and hadn’t been ours for the past 8 years.

Today we closed on our house, selling it to a young couple who I hope will see those growth marks and realize that at one time this house was a home, filled with love, laughter and tears. And my hope is that they make this house into a home and fill it with wonderful memories and lots of love and raise their family, with new growth marks on the laundry room wall.

We only own one home now! We are relieved. The stress associated with owning a house on the other side of the country is gone. A weight lifted off of our shoulders.

And I am a little sad…..it was our home and the memories made inside those walls will forever be cherished!

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