Finding My “Why”

This month I celebrate 10 years since reaching Lifetime status with Weight Watchers. 10 years.

Never. Going. Back. There. Again.

These 10 years have not been perfect. Most of these 10 years I maintained at or below my goal weight, but not always. Yet, each time my weight would edge up, I would get back where I needed to be….sometimes it took me a little while, but I always stopped before I went up too much because I WAS NOT going to go back to where I started. And not wanting to feel the way that girl felt, the heavier and unhealthier me, was a powerful motivator to get me back on track.

But, I am an emotional eater. And these past couple of years have been hard. Old habits crept in to give me the comfort I was seeking. But I kept telling myself I wouldn’t go back……I’ve got this…..I know what to do……

I am not at my goal weight.

Wow. That is hard to admit, despite the fact that I have known this, and those I work for have known this. And I have struggled to figure out why I am having such a difficult time losing the weight. Thankfully, I am maintaining….because I will NOT gain it all back!

I have been going to meetings as a member to help me. But for the past two years I have gone to meetings and not weighed….why would I get on the scale at the meeting when I know I am up. And I only needed to weigh “officially” once a month for my job. So…… I kept struggling. There was no real accountability or commitment…….

Then two weeks ago I spent the week talking to the members in my Weight Watchers meetings about their “why”…..that reason for walking through the door and the reason they wanted to lose weight and get healthy.

I shared the reason I walked through the door of my meeting back in 2006. And my reason to continue. I asked my members to rediscover and get in touch with their “why”….. yet, I couldn’t answer the same questions I asked my members.

Here I am, a lifetime member and a Leader for Weight Watchers and I was struggling to find my “why”.  

And I didn’t understand how I could not know my “why”…… until yesterday when I had my epiphany, and it clicked with me that I needed a ”why”….I needed to remember the reason I started, the reason I continue, but more importantly, I needed to have a new “why”….one to motivate me to get back to the healthy me I wanted to be and one to motivate me to get to the personal goal I had set long ago, and never reached.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could not answer that question.

So, I decided to start with accountability and with the mindset of a new member. And last week I went to my meeting, at a location where the members do not know me or that I work for Weight Watchers (I need the anonymity) and I stepped on the scale.

I. STEPPED. ON. THE. SCALE.

Boy was that a big smack upside my head.

I knew what it was going to say. I knew. But seeing it written in my weigh-in book, the tears started. Crap! What have I done to myself? How could I do this to myself? I was so mad at me. And disappointed in me. My leader was amazing in that moment. She “got” it. She knew what I was feeling. No lecture. No questions. No judgement. I remembered in that moment how safe those meetings feel for me. And how much I need them—for the accountability, for the support and for the judgement free zone.

Okay. Done. Now to get back to where I want to be. And that meant doing the next step….tracking my current weight in my Weight Watchers app, which I have not done in a really long time. Another smack upside my head. That day was becoming a “reality-hit-you-upside-your-head” kind of day. But I needed it!

This week was better but still hasn’t gone as planned….why? Because I was still struggling to find my “why”. Still struggling to keep tracking….hmmmm…….and then……

AHHH! Epiphany! I realized yesterday, in one of my many conversations with myself, that I wasn’t finding my “why”, because I wasn’t being honest with myself. I wasn’t being honest about where I was and what I had been doing. Stepping on the scale helped me to see the reality, but I still needed to quit hiding. Yes, hiding from the truth of it all and I needed to stop pretending that everything was great and that I was at my goal.

How can I find my “why” when I was not facing the whole picture and telling myself everything was fine? Kind of hard to get in touch with a “why” when you don’t think you need one.

THAT was my epiphany!

And then my “why” showed up. I want to get back to my goal weight and to my personal goal because I want to be around for my grandchildren that will one day come into this world….but I don’t just want to be alive—I want to run with them, get down on the floor and play, skip with them, swim with them, hike and camp with them… I want to be able to take them on trips and dance at their weddings. Yes, I am looking far into the future…..but if I continue on the path I am currently on, even if I stay right here and maintain, I won’t get to that far off future with the grandkids I hope to have one day. I need to look to the future, I need to dream about the things I want to do—hiking with my husband for our 50th wedding anniversary, traveling, and living to be 100—a healthy, vibrant and active 100-year-old. I am getting older, the arthritis is setting in, and I know that getting to the healthiest version of me will make all the things I dream of possible.

There is my “why”.

And once I found it, my week went better…. Tracking, mindset, food choices all were healthier because of my epiphany that led me to my why.

I am taking the leap and looking forward to a healthy, active and very, very long life.

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