The Journey of 13.1 miles begins with a single step…

I am not, nor have I ever been a runner. I am a walker, and not the kind of walker you find in the show “The Walking Dead”.  I enjoy walks.  But I do not enjoy exercise.  So what in the world possessed me to agree to do a Half-Marathon?  Yes, 13.1 miles!  I must have lost my mind. 

 Or maybe, I happened to have my very words said back to me by someone I love.

This past weekend my husband, C, and I were having a discussion about next years Disney World Marathon weekend. C has run the marathon, the half-marathon, the Goofy Challenge (you run the half-marathon on Saturday and the full-marathon on Sunday), and he has run the Dopey challenge (running the 5k on Thursday, the 10k on Friday, the half-marathon on Saturday and the full-marathon on Sunday).  He is CRAZY!  And I admire his strength, determination and courage to run those races. 

The best part of running at Disneyworld, according to my husband, is running through the parks, early in the morning.  The best part of Marathon weekend at Disney World, according to me, is getting to play while my husband runs and being there to support him!  And that was what I was planning to do when we were discussing marathon weekend 2017.

And then those words I had said to him came back to haunt me…..”Isn’t this the year of living, taking the leap and leaving behind the fear? Isn’t this year about experiencing new things, despite your fear?”  Yes, it is.  And yes, I want to take the leap and just see where it goes and what happens.  And I told him that I could do that by walking the 5k and then supporting  him as he ran the half-marathon. 

And then he went in full force—“But you have done a 5k.  And what better way to spend your birthday weekend, your 52nd birthday weekend, than to do something that you have never done, something that scares you?”  Oh……he had me.  How could I argue with that? 

 Yes, I have lost my mind! And I am scared……what if I can’t finish?  What if I am too slow? What if I disappoint him, or my kids?  What if I disappoint myself?  That is a long way to go……and then he reminded me of the words I keep quoting from Oprah—“If not now, when?”

 If not now, when?

 Disney World will be a  great way to celebrate the end of this year, to celebrate turning 52. And what better way to take the leap than to be a participant, rather than a spectator.  This year really is about taking the leap, participating and experiencing all that life throws my way—the good, the bad, and the scary.

 The journey of 13.1 miles begins with a single step……the decision to do it!  Just Breathe!!

Just Breathe

Today is my 51st birthday. 

Today I hold my breath…….not because I dread growing another year older, but because of what this birthday represents. There have been moments in my life when I have held my breath and moments that took my breath away.  Yet, there have only been two other times when I woke up on a day of celebration and held my breath, not just for that day but for the following days, weeks and months.  I held my breath for the entire year.  And today I find myself holding my breath and fearing what may happen next.

My mother was 51 yrs old when she was suddenly taken from me. I was 14. 

The day my oldest son turned 14, I held my breath fearing that he may have to go through what I went through at his age and praying everyday of that year that God would let him not ever have to feel that pain, at least not at 14. And I prayed that I would get to see him turn 15, unlike my mother who missed my 15th birthday.  The day he turned 15 I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and thanked God.  Now things were okay and we could go on with life, for a few years anyway. 

 Five years later, as my youngest son turned 14, I again held my breath, praying that he would not feel that pain and that I would see him turn 15. And when he turned 15, I again breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and the weight of that fear left me.  We all made it through those years and I could breathe and celebrate all that life was giving me.  I could breathe for years now.

Last year I turned 50 and it did not bother me. But the weeks leading up to this birthday have been filled with fear, trepidation and sadness.  And this morning I found myself holding my breath.  My mother was 51 and had so much left to do and experience.  We spent many nights talking about the future, the dreams she had for me, the life she couldn’t wait to see for me.  We talked about me going to college, getting married and how much she looked forward to seeing me as a mother.  And she missed all of it.  And I have missed having her physically here to call, to talk to, to laugh with and to cry with.  I am saddened that my boys never got to know the loving grandmother she would have been to them.  Yes, I know, she is always with me, in my heart and I know she has watched over me all of these years.  But today, as I turn 51, I cannot help but hold my breath and pray!  I have so much more I want to experience in this life.

 Today I hold my breath, an involuntary reaction to an event that shaped my life and I am faced with a choice—to hold my breath and live this year in fear, praying that I get to celebrate my 52nd birthday, that I get to do all those things my mother never had the chance or I can breathe.  And today, right now, in this moment I am going to choose to breathe, to live the life my mother didn’t get the opportunity to live.  Life is short and precious.  And none of us know just how long we have.  I choose to live this day, the coming weeks and years, to honor all that my mother meant to me, all that she taught me and all that she gave me.  I choose to experience all that she dreamed about, all that I dream about and all that she missed.

 And I start with this blog. I have wanted to do this for a very long time, but fear held me back.  So what better day to start something new, to take a leap and go for it, than the day I turn 51, the day I was dreading, the day I was holding my breath.  This year will be about stepping outside my comfort zone, about taking that leap and seeing what happens.  This is about experiencing life, the everyday ordinary and the extraordinary! 

 There may be days, like today, where I find myself holding my breath and the fear creeping in, but I will choose to take the leap and JUST BREATHE!