God’s Hand at Work….

It has been a difficult week for our family. It began when we took our son to self-surrender, thinking that doing the right thing would help him to continue on the right path to living a clean and healthy life.

What we didn’t count on was the events that occurred while he was held in jail on a bond that was excessive when taking his case history into consideration. I will be sharing the nightmare that ensued and that led to my son’s seizure while in jail, after his court appearance this next week.

Today I want to share with you how I am seeing God’s Hand at work in all of this.

While we were struggling through the trials of last week, and while trying to stay strong for our son, I asked my family and friends for prayers for my son…..I believe strongly in the power of prayer and that through prayer we find strength and comfort. And my family and friends came through for us, praying for my son, our family and for those involved in my son’s case.

I could feel their prayers.

And I know God heard all of the prayers.

And it was through those prayers and our own that we were able to make the decisions we needed to make and that we were able to find the help we needed at that moment.

We were able to bond our son out of jail late at night, and he was thrilled to see us. I expected that due to his experience, that my son would need some time to recover and that he would not want to jump right into all that he needed to do for his recovery, at least not for a few days……I was wrong.

The long drive home after picking him up was filled with conversation and planning.

And then my son jumped right in, the next morning. I have been amazed every day since we brought him home from jail at the transformation going on in his life, his attitude and his actions.

My son started his outpatient treatment the very next day. He made his appointments to get his meds back and to take care of himself…..no prompting, he just did them!

For years we have had to nag him to do anything…..and now he is doing those things. What happened?

He is clean! He cares. He is engaged and trying now. He wants this now.

And I can see that God has His hand in this…..that God has been watching over him, bringing people into his life and answering my prayers.

My son is not only going to treatment now, but he has also started his community service…..at a church!

When my son received the call yesterday to let him know where he had been assigned for his community service, I could hear the determination in his voice to start and finish this aspect of his probation. Then he told me where he would be doing his community service hours…..a church, just down the road from us. A church that has a Recovery program. A church that has programs for supporting addicts and their families.

Yes, God has His hands in this!

I have prayed, daily, that God would find a way to reach my son, to touch his heart and to bring people into his life that will help him to become the person he was always meant to be and to help him to have the life he was meant to live.

My prayers are being answered. Though my son would say that it is the universe that is playing a role in all of this…..I KNOW different. I KNOW that God is there with us, and has been every step of the way. And I KNOW that my faith is what is getting me through this and keeping me going. And I KNOW that God is with my son, protecting and providing for him.

As I dropped my son off at the church this morning, I sat there and watched him walk inside. And I smiled.

As I drove away I said to God, “You work in mysterious ways! Thank you!”

And then I started to breathe again……

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AHA! Moment

It has been a rough month……year, actually. Every step forward was followed by multiple backward steps……and then this past month happened.

And I am struggling, trying to be strong, trying to take care of my family, trying to help my son through this hurdle, trying to help my son and family navigate the court, jail, probation system while navigating the addiction treatment options and still managing the mental health illnesses…..all while continuing to navigate and manage the “normal” day-to-day responsibilities……..and I have forgotten, somewhere along the way that I need to take care of me, that I need to make time for me, that I need to save some energy for me.

And I am struggling……..feeling as if I am drowning, trying desperately to just get through the day, to just breathe.

I have had many conversations with members attending the Weight Watchers meetings I work about making time to take care of themselves during times of stress and crisis. I ask my members who are going through difficult times, what they are doing to take care of themselves, even if it is just 5 minutes, just a moment where they can step back and just breathe.

And here I am……

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically…..too tired to add “me” to the “to do” list.

Then yesterday I had two conversations that made me think…..both of my friends asked me what I was doing to take care of me and asked me to set some time aside for me, because otherwise all of THIS is going to drain me…..leave me empty.

I am already there. There is not much left in the tank. But what they said to me made me think.

I am an addict. My addiction is food. I have not had the easiest life……the abandonment, the abuse—physical, emotional and sexual, my mother’s death at a pivotal point in my life….all left me needing something, needing comfort. And I turned to food to deal with the emotions and the emergence of long repressed memories……food is how I deal with the difficulties in life.

I realized that I was a food addict while on my journey to lose weight and get healthy with Weight Watchers. And that day, when that light bulb went off, I began to make changes…..I began to deal with my emotions and the memories and the worthless feelings in ways other than to eat them. And it worked. And I lost the weight. And I found my self-worth.

But this past year has brought about some real difficulties. Testing just how strong I can be. And last month when my son hit his most recent bottom, I was tested again…..and old habits came back. I am tired…..tired of being strong……tired of not having my life as my own…….tired of the fear, worry and yes, anger……….I am JUST TIRED! And I stopped doing the things that work for me, that re-energize me, that help me to navigate my emotions……

Instead I ATE them.

And now I am struggling……

But the conversations yesterday, reminded me of what worked…..of why I had made the changes all those years ago…….of why I don’t want to go back to that girl again.

And beginning this morning, I remembered what worked for me, I remembered that I am worth it. And I remembered that I can get through anything as long as I rely on those things that help me to take care of me.

So, I started writing. Writing about life and about my emotions helps me to clear all the clutter in my head and to breathe. My time spent writing helps me to take care of me. And I decided that I need that 5 or 10 minutes to write, to reflect and to deal with my life. To think clearer. Old habits creep in so quickly that before I knew it I was on my way back THERE again.

But like we talked about in meetings, the past couple of weeks, slips happen…..life happens and then we find a way to get back on track. We figure out where we veered, how we fell into the hole and what we need to do to get back on track.

I kept telling myself that I just needed to get back to tracking my food and then things would get better. So I would track and then go right back to feeding my emotions.

I would tell myself, just don’t buy that food…..and then I would go right back to feeding my emotions.

I would tell myself to get some exercise….and then I would go right back to feeding my emotions.

And then yesterday, after those two conversations, I knew……yes, I need to track—it works. Yes, I need to buy the right foods—it works. Yes, I need to exercise—it works. Yes, I need to go to meetings as a member—it works………….But NONE of that works if I don’t TAKE CARE of me, if I don’t make me a PRIORITY and find that moment each day when I can step back and JUST BREATHE!

My AHA moment!

And despite the stormy morning I had today, I have found a few minutes to just breathe. And it makes ALL the DIFFERENCE.

Life isn’t going to be easy for a while…….but I know now that if I find a way to take care of me, then I can get through this, WITHOUT eating my emotions and going back to THAT girl again.

I just needed to be reminded. Thankful for friends on this Weight Watchers journey, who get it and who ask the questions that get me thinking……..

Much Needed Me Time

I almost didn’t go this morning…..I have so much to do for work and around the house and things to get ready for what we will face, what my son will face these next few weeks. Lots to do, so how could I be selfish and take a little time for me?

But I went anyway.

I realized that I have not left the house these past couple of weeks, other than to go to work, to go grocery shopping or to go to court with my son. I have not done anything just for me……

And not taking care of me, leaves me drained and unable to take care of others.

These past couple of weeks have been tough and emotionally draining, leaving me with little left for anything else.

So, I did something for me today. Something that would help me reenergize my body and my soul and yes, even my heart.

I went to the Zoo and Botanical Garden this morning.

Alone.

I needed the time to escape my life, to see beauty and to breathe.

And I did!

I find peace and serenity when I visit the Zoo and the Botanical Garden. I walk at my pace, stop and view what I want and sometimes just sit in the quiet. Today I did all of that. I find real joy in watching the animals, finding unexpected flowers and walking through the garden.

And though I found joy in my time at both the Zoo and Botanical Garden this morning, I also found that some of the joy was hidden under the shadow of this current storm.

And under that shadow I did find some peace……rejuvenating my soul a little……

I needed this morning.

I needed to find me again, amidst the wreckage left by the storm.

I needed to just…..breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

A Promise of a New Day

I am a west coast girl. Born and raised in the Pacific Northwest.

We have lived all over the United States—the Midwest, the northern tier, the south, the east coast, the southwest and the west coast. No matter where we lived, my heart was always out west.

Being a west coast girl, I have always preferred sunsets to the sunrises. And everywhere we have lived and visited, I have watched the sun set. The sky is beautiful as the sun sets on my day, reminding me of the beauty in the world even on the days that were difficult. The sunset was a reminder that I survived the day.

I have seen the sunset over the Aegean Sea, over Europe, over the English Channel from France, and all over the U.S. But my favorite place to see the sun set is over the Pacific Ocean. There is nothing more calming for me than to sit on a beach and watch the sun slowly dip into the ocean, disappearing in a fiery horizon. I LOVE the sunset on the west coast!

When we lived on the east coast and would visit the beaches along the Atlantic Ocean, I would rise before the sun and walk the beach as it rose above the water. The sunrise was beautiful and the morning alone on the beach was so serene. But….I still preferred my sunsets and missed the west coast.

I guess I just wasn’t ready for what the sunrise would come to represent for me.

Now, living here in Arizona, I get to see spectacular, colorful sunsets. The blue sky is painted in shades of reds and purple as the sun disappears on the horizon.

But the sunrises are just as spectacular.

And I am discovering that I LOVE the sunrise.

I am up early, often on my way to work when the sun awakens and the glow of the sun illuminates the sky in hues of yellow, orange and red.

The sunrise has come to represent a promise of a new day…..a chance for change……a promise that today is going to be better. And that is what I need.

The sunrise brings a smile to my face and more importantly it brings hope to my heart.

This longtime, west coast girl who preferred sunsets to sunrises is falling in love with the morning sunrise….the beauty and peace found in the promise of a new day and the hope that it brings.

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Watching the sun rise gives me a moment when I can step back and just breathe.